Monday, March 7, 2011

The Back up Plan

You ever get that terrible feeling in your gut when you find out you're only second place to people, that they won't realize that you exist until their go-to person isn't there.

I feel that way almost every day of my life.

Being the middle child and the second daughter (not to mention being bi, and loving goth stuff, and having friends who most belong in juvenile hall), I don't get to be able to talk to my mom the way my older sister does. I can't tell her about any girl that I might like without being questioned every time I mention that person's name  (or any name close to that) without being questioned if I like that person, even though I'm pretty sure I've told her about ten times that I don't like that person anymore.
Not to mention that when I go up and try to tell my mom about my day, most of the time I can't get her attention for more than two seconds to even ask a question, just to wait ten minutes for her to ask me "what did you say?" Whether its while she's working, or watching tv, or playing a damn video game while I'm trying to get a school assignment done. Today I tried to tell her about my day while she was watching the bachelor (which was a recording). I wait until the commercial to start but then she fast forwards it through the commercials. I ask her if she can pause it while I'm talking and she says "just because you stop watching tv doesn't mean that everything I do goes on pause" (I was just downstairs watching a show on netflix). I sit there for a few second and the I just get up and walk out of the room. I'm sorry for even trying anymore.
But bring my eighteen year old beautiful sister, who is always going out and seeing friends, my mom will drop everything and listen to every word and won't have to ask about any of the people that my sister talks about (she can't even remember one of my friends names, even though she's met them before and had seen them a hundred times).
Both of them together is even worse because take us shopping and they'll point out every flaw, every dot on my face (I have really bad acne), every part of me that bulges the wrong way (because i'm a little overweight), everything that I'd never even cared about so many times until I just want to go home and sleep my life away in the safety of my bed. Just once I want to feel pretty, to not have to care about whether or not a shirt doesn't always look good on me, to not be in a dressing room with a dress that I really like and then just start crying because I remember that I'll never look good in it no matter how much I wish it were so. I wait for that day when I can walk around in an outfit that people may think looks horrible in me, and I won't care. Because I'll feel beautiful and nobody will be able to take that from me.

And then there's my supposed friends. During Drama class today we were told to pair up and my "friend" Megan C. runs up and asks if I want to be her partner. I look around and ask her where her friend Megan J. went (there are two Megans in our class and their the best of friends, for only knowing each other for this one school year). She says that she went to the bathroom, so she asked me instead. I looked at her and asked her why she would even bother coming to me when Megan J. would be back in only a few minutes. She looks at me and says "sorry that she's my best friend." Yeah, I'm sorry too, after trying to be your friend for about five years and nearly everyday you push me aside until it becomes convenient for you to look at me. She doesn't even call me her friend, after being with her this long and listening to her crap about how her perfect life is so miserable while every guy in this school worships the ground she walks on.
But i decided to be her partner because in that class (if not every class), everyone is divided into their little groups and finding someone to work with them is no problem, and if I don't then I'll be all alone. Or I get stuck with that person who also can't find anyone because their group is an odd number for that once in a blue moon and they look at me like I'm some kind of insect that they are forced to talk to.
This is why I can't ever introduce one of my friends to another one of my friends, because they suddenly become buddies and I'm that third wheel that can't even put in a word in any conversation.
So in most of my classes I just sit there quietly and nobody really notices when I'm gone. That actually happened once, I had just gotten back from the hospital and was going back to school, but when I asked my teachers what I had missed, many of them didn't know how long I had been gone and so they gave me work that I'd already done.

I've become so used to being in the background, that if you put me anywhere near someone who is having their spot light moment, I'll have the urge to move away in order to make room for the people who are actually that person's friends. Because I'll just be in the way and be pushed to the side anyway.

I don't know why i'm letting all of this out here, but I do know that if I don't get this little bit of rage out of me now, I'll end up blowing up everything that I've worked so hard for. Working toward my escape, and my future. That day when I can leave this place and have my own spot light moment.


  1. Hi Tori. This is the 4th time I've tried to leave a comment on your post. My comp keep freezing on me. :(
    SO I will make sevral comments. Just smaller.

  2. I think you are really brave Tori. I think it's good you have a place to write down your feelings.
    I'm sorry you have to go through these things. Some of it mirrors my own pain.

  3. I think you are a strong and creative person Tori who has a lot going for her.
    I hope very soon you will feel beautiful because Tori, you ARE!!!

  4. Please hang in there Tori. You are an awesome person. Now to get you to believe that truth! :)

  5. Tori, I know EXACTLY how you feel. If you ever need to talk I'm always here, ok? Just leave me a message on my blog if you need me. You. Are. Amazing. Remember that.